I am certain that this is a common theme among diary entries of girls under the age of 14. If I had a pink journal with a little lock and key, perhaps I would write this in there…but this blog is what I have so this is what I get…

I have gone 25 years on my life never truly having been swept off my feet. I am bored, I want to be in love…hell, I would be happy with finding “extreme like” right now. I thought I found something close a while back but nothing has really come of it, so now I am stuck looking and realizing that it may never come. Resigning myself to being a “cat lady” by the age of 29 is not exactly what I had anticipated when I was younger. It isn’t that I don’t date or that I don’t find guys who like me…its just that when I do I am not that impressed or something fizzles relatively quickly. I am picky, I am fickle and most importantly my standards are exceedingly high. The thing is I am almost positive that I have known at least 3 men in my life that have met those standards and have continued to keep me intrigued and excited. In the end either they stop being interested or they can’t get it together enough to have a relationship. What to do then? Now I know it is out there…am I just waiting for it to return? If these guys have already done it for me, have I had my chance at the “3 good ones in life” ala A Bronx Tale and now I am left hoping that one of them will return before its too late? Or are they just signs that someone else is coming along and that they too can keep the butterflies in the stomach and the conversation flowing.

I suppose this comes on the tails (as it always does) of yet another breakup. Another situation where a guy felt stronger about me then I did about him…I have to hope that there is a reason and it is not just because I am an “insufferable bitch”. But what is it? Where is it? Why isn’t it here? I really never feel this way-ask my roommate, ask my best friend…I am pretty much always “the guy” in a relationship. I mostly like being single more so then being in a couple. I don’t obsess for the most part (unless it is how to break up with someone) and I am almost always in control. But for some reason I am on edge and really I feel no reason to really be so. I don’t feel like I have to be married at 25 and I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything. But something is putting me on the defensive (or offensive as the case may be) and I find myself looking out there now hoping that something great will pop along!

My freshman year of college a girl named Vicki lived at the end of our floor. She always said that she wished the man she was going to marry was outlined in red (like on the playstation sports games where the player you “are” is outlined) so that she knew that he was there…she would be able to see him walking around campus, at the bars or in class outlined in red and would not have to worry about talking to him or dealing with him at that very moment because eventually he would be “the one”. Where is my red outline? Is he already out there? Do I know him? Are we friends? Or am I yet to meet him?

Ugh…this is the most girly thing I have ever typed…and it isn’t even that clever on the subject. But I am not really sure what else to say about it or how to explain other then to trust that whomever is reading this has felt this way at one time or another. Any suggestions?