My roommate called me “coupled” the other day and I find that to be a hard pill to swallow. I am not a “coupled” kind of girl and really, I never have been. I don’t love relationships and I certainly hate beginning them. Although I like “dating” well enough, most of the time I find it to be too much trouble and would rather be out with my friends or reading a book. Most of the relationships that I have had have spawned from friendships and as I look back I can only count two somewhat serious ones that have started with complete strangers….they only started because the strangers pursued me…if it had be left up to me, it would have fallen by the way-side.

I like the idea of being coupled…really I do…but the work that it takes to get there is often so daunting that I would rather disregard the relationship. I am beginning to believe that I am getting to old for this kind of thinking and fear that if I do not change my ways now, I will find myself alone at 40 with smelly cats named “trinket” and “bubbles”. I do not believe that this issue falls solely on my shoulders, however. Past experience has shown that if I really do like someone I will step up to the plate and say something…I will try to make it work avoiding the instinct to run when vulnerability becomes a must. Sometimes these feelings are returned, sometimes not…but you can’t die from a broken heart, right? I am not good at the follow-through though. If I do “step-up” then I need some help continuing on…sometimes the other person doesn’t get that memo and I am left at a stand-still waiting for a nudge, a clue, a grab of the hand or a peck on the cheek. I can’t do it all, I am not that fearless.

I have amazing friends in my life, women who have defied all odds, taken their hearts into their own hands and said, “Pay attention to me because I am the one for you. You need me and you will miss me if I am gone”. Time and time again this has worked out beautifully for them. They haven’t found “the one” but they know that it is not for lack of trying. I feel like in some ways I have done the same, especially with those that matter, but here I am…still unsure…not knowing quite what to expect. I want it to work. I want to be a "coupled kind of girl" but not for the sake of being "coupled".

Maybe I don’t speak loud enough, maybe I don’t get my point across, maybe I need to be more forceful…but in the end, maybe I think that it should have to be that hard.